Try hard and get good results.

All my life I have had a hard time with school. I wasn't one of the smart kids, nor was I in the top percentile for my school grade wise. I never really tried too hard because I already had the thought in my head that no matter how hard I worked I would still get the same results. I try to make myself blend in, so that I won't get paid that much attention. I don't like praises from people, but at the same time I thrive off of them. I make it look as if I don't care when I make bad grades, or when someone says something to me about not being smart enough.. but in all actuality I care very much. I've never been really great at just one thing. I'm decent at a lot of things, or either really bad at things. I've always wanted to excel and do exceptionally well at something, but that's never happened for me. All throughout high school people would say that I kept to myself.. which I didn't understand because I thought I talked to and got along with everyone. I guess I didn't socialize outside of school.. maybe that's what they meant. I mean I never put my business out there because it was no one's but mine. I probably didn't want others to judge me. So I blended in to the best of my abilities. I'm really good at that ya know.. blending in. People tell me that they see potential in me all the time, but I guess I don't really want to put myself out there to where I feel vulnerable. Wow, I really sound like one of those after school episodes where the kid doesn't belong lol.

The point I'm trying to make is this.. I recently started college last fall. It's exam time and I was one of the people who got exempt from our math exam. That's never happened to me before. I am awful at math, or at least I thought I was. I had this preconceived notion that I would never do well in any math class no matter what it was. I don't know why I would have ever thought that.. until I posted this status on facebook.. "Exempt from my math exam? HECK YES! (: It was all God. ♥" Then my ninth grade math teacher who's class I had failed posed.. "I am sure there was some devine intervention!!! LOL" Which shouldn't have been a huge deal.. right? Yet, It was. He's held a lot of power over my math abilities for a long time. I never did well because he made me think I would never be able to do well. I've held a grudge against this man for a long time, and even though I joke with him about it I get really frustrated when someone tries to take away my successes because I worked hard, and I did well. The reason I did so poorly in his class was because if someone makes me feel stupid I shut down. Not the best comeback.. I know, but it's how I work. The lesson in this post for me is that I no longer have to subject myself to the judgement and criticism of others. I do well for myself, and only myself. I've come a long way since ninth grade, and I'm not the same little girl that I used to be. I'm making my way. We only get one chance at life, and I don't intend on wasting it on someone's opinion that doesn't matter. Surround yourself with positive people who build you up, not set you up for failure. As for that teacher, I'm going to do what people do when we have problems online.. *un-"friend"* lol. (: 

Acceptance is Key.

I once read that a good writer should write about what they know. Well what I know is that I don't know much, but I'm learning. I'm coming to the realization that this life is more than sparkles and sunshine. I'm trying to find a place to call my own in this world and it's taking some time and serious adjustment. Over the past year I've been trying to be part of a family that may or may not have wanted me in it. I've always been the girl people would come to when they had a problem, or the girl that pretty much always got what she wanted because she was nice. Therefore, it was a pretty big surprise to me when I didn't really fit in with them, or the image they had for what I should be. It bothered me for a long time, and I didn't really understand until lately that it wasn't me as a person that they didn't accept. They would have had the same ideals and expectations for anyone.

See, I have a family. They're a pretty good one at that for the most part, but I kind of feel lost in who I am. We have no family history, and we have no traditions or culture. I've made many attempts to figure out where I came from.. but time and time again, I tried and failed. Whenever anyone asks me what I am I make sure and throw out there the little bit of Native American that I'm sure I have because I find it more interesting than just being white. I know my great grandmothers maiden name was Mozingo.. and that has to come from somewhere foreign.. right? Her father's first name wasn't on her birth certificate, so I have no way in finding out who he was or where he or his family came from. My family isn't big at all, and for the most part my family consists of drug addicts and alcoholics.. but doesn't everyone's? There's not really that many people in my family that I could go to if something happened to my mom, God forbid.

That's why I felt it was so important to be accepted by my fiance's family because family is important, and I don't exactly know where my life would take me if I had to travel it alone. My sister and I argue a lot, and not that I don't love her.. but sometimes I don't really want to be around her situation if that makes any sense, and that's just me being bluntly honest. I kind of just want to start over with my life.. in a new place, and a new time. Now that I think about it, I leave people on purpose and don't get attached to too many. I can go months without having to talk to someone that I "care about" and am not bothered by that at all.. is that a problem? I don't make attempts to keep in contact with the people that I "love." Until I met my fiance's sisters, I felt like it was an opportunity to be a part of something bigger than myself, because in all reality that's all I've truly ever cared about, myself.. but doesn't everyone? They make me feel important and like they look up to me. I'm the youngest in my family, and I've had to watch my sister make mistakes. I can't remember a time when she wasn't in trouble or doing something wrong. I want to be somebody that people look up to and I try hard. I know people say you should forgive and never forget, but if I didn't forget the bad things that happen to me, I would probably do something ridiculous like isolate myself from society, or commit suicide. However, that would make me a coward. Something that I'm not. I just want to be accepted.. doesn't everyone? Like I said, I have a family, but I'm trying to make it better with my fiance's family. His sisters make me happy.. and make me feel like I belong, and am important. I don't plan on letting them down. I don't plan on letting us down.